it wasn't that long ago. They may well go.

In order to get surgory on the nhs for self injury scars you have to be self injury free for a minimum of 2 years and even then it is very hit and miss wether or not your local health trust will even allow the referal as my GP wanted to refer me to get a very severe and nasty scar delt with which is a scar from surgory that got botched by a less than understanding surgon but the referal the GP put in had to go before a 'medical exceptions board' hearing and they turned it down without even seeing me or any images of the scar, I know of some people who have had surgories but they haven't been happy with them, and many still continue to harm even after them despite having to be 'clean' for 2 years first before you can even be concidered.

Re having kids and such, kids are a lot more understanding of things than adults as kids ask the questions that a lot of adults are too afraid to ask, as kids tend to speak their minds and not hold back it is only as they grow and are told NOT to ask where difficulties arise.

I know personally that I have now just about well most of the time accepted the damage I have done to my body as for me self injury was a deep, long and severe adiction which I hope I have kicked, but I know that if it wasn't for self injury then I wouldn't of survived the issues that led to me using self injury as a way to cope in the 1st place, yeah I have days where I sit even now and wish I hadn't got the scars I have, but I do and I can't turn back time, if I could I may of still ended up wiht scars but due to other circumstances, life is way too short to sit and think 'if only' on things, things happen and we have to ensure that our future doesn't end up as distressing if you like as our past has been.

It is about learning from the past so that the future is different, only you can make the choice of to harm or not, and others can either support you (as I am able to do well as best I can via a computer) or not support you, but only you can ultimatley change how your future becomes.

Good luck iwht it all.
x

Re having kids and such, kids are a lot more understanding of things than adults as kids ask the questions that a lot of adults are too afraid to ask, as kids tend to speak their minds and not hold back it is only as they grow and are told NOT to ask where difficulties arise.

I agree with this, and I also believe that scars shouldn't be hidden away from kids (and other people) to make sure that they learn that it is not shameful. Honesty is the key to education.

xx

When my little brother saw my arms, though, he started self harming.

Well, I'm of the camp who doesn't believe that self-harm is implicitly wrong or embarrassing - so long as safety is a factor and the person self-harming is aware that there may be better ways of helping themselves out there.

Then again, I'm also a firm believer that it is someone's choice whether to reveal their illness or not. Self-harm is a very visible sign of some mental anguish or illness, but it's still your choice as to whether you let others know.

Your brother may have started self-harming without knowing anything about yours (and given that the statistics for teens hurting themselves is so high, that's quite probable) The best thing to do now, is just to make sure he's aware of safety precautions and alternatives.

xx

I forgot to add to my reply that the only way to remove the stigma associated iwth anything is to enable people to ask the questions that perhaps they are almost afraid to ask! and to answer them with honesty as how else can we expect the stigma we crave to be removed to be removed if we hide the issues.

I have a lot of ickle people who are in my life both family and friends ickle people (I mean kids by ickle people) and I have never hidden who I am (in any sense of who I am, be it my mental health, sexuality, scars etc) from the ickle ones as they ask a question I will answer it in a way that will I hope make sense to them, then if they have another question I will answer that

one of my best well most clearest memories of a very dark time of my life of the summer of 2000 when I ended up on a psych unit (yet again) and my ickle cousin Amber was nearly 3, she came to visit me and all I could hear was her walking along asking anyone she walked past 'what have you done to my LeaLea where is my LeaLea I want my LeaLea NOW!' and that was all I could hear and the more she was given no reply the louder she got! The same kid is nearly 9 and has stood up for a kid in her class at school who was being bullied cos the kid has 2 daddy's to whcih Amber stood up in class and said 'it's ok to be gay, afterall it also means your happy, but it does not make you happy to be bullied for being different' and she proceeded to go on a gay rights ramble! bless her, she is such a maddam but ultimatly she has never had things she has asked not answered she has been empowered to ask whatever and answers given to her in a way she will and can understand.

x

Stigma schtigma. It's not my job to change the world. If I'm extremely uncomfortable having my cuts and scars on show, I don't have to have them on show for "the cause". Wearing my sleeves up in public (unless I'm somewhere private with friends) makes me want to cry and hide. I hate that people comment on them. So I hide them, it's my choice.

My family and friends have seen my cuts and scars and know how I feel about them and why I do it and they're understanding. That's all I need. It's not a stranger's business what I do with my body.

Anyway I do enough with mental illness advocacy via my blog, campaigns, research etc but my body is my business.

I think you have answered your own question to be honest, if you hate your scars then a) why cut such a easy to see and hard to hide place, b) why carry on cutting why not keep fighting to get the help to find healthier ways, and if they don't help keep on fighting.

If you are saying 'on show for the cause' it is not a case of scars being on show for the cause but when you start to accept and love yourself you will start to see yourself thru the eyes others see you thru and see that you can be both liked and loved for who you are not what you may think of yourself, the 2 are very different.

as a good friend of mine sings in one of his many songs 'once you see yourself as a victim and live just to survive, you loose sight of all your hopes and dreams but they're for why your alive, but don't you ever give in cos we can never give up or forever we'l be living as victims of the world that we live in'

No you can't change the world but you can try and change how the world is for you and for you personally as if you keep waiting for someone else to change it for you, you will be waiting a very long time.

If your not prepared to do anything for change then why did you try and make yourself into a martyr for the cause of Bipolar? If you hate the scrutanity of what it created perhaps should of thought harder before becoming what you now claim to hate when only a few well not even that long ago you were wanting to to change things

Don't try and put this you shifting of opinion on things down to Bipolar as to be blunt as a fellow bp survivor and one of many other things I can't stand it when anyone blames anything upon their diagnoses.

So either try and do something proactive to change how you are seen or get the help you need and deserve.

Strangers don't bite, well unless you ask politly, and if they have nowt better to do than stare at your scars that says more about them than it does you.

If your not prepared to do anything for change then why did you try and make yourself into a martyr for the cause of Bipolar?

That is breathtakingly rude. I did not try to make myself a martyr for any cause. I write a blog, big whoop, I link a few things. It's nothing to do with being a martyr, I just find writing easier than talking.

a) When I cut my face I wasn't in sound mind
b) Arms are easy to hide places for me, as are my legs and stomach


If your not prepared to do anything for change then why did you try and make yourself into a martyr for the cause of Bipolar? If you hate the scrutanity of what it created perhaps should of thought harder before becoming what you now claim to hate when only a few well not even that long ago you were wanting to to change things

I'm not anything I claim to hate. I just don't like people looking at my arms. They invariably do when I have my sleeves up. I've had people arrogant enough to approach me and tell me off for what I did to myself. Do you think having my sleeves up and being paranoid is going to make me feel any better about myself? Maybe when I actually feel better *in* myself than I do now I'll wear them up. Self harm is the absolute last of my problems at the moment. I'm still working on controlling mood swings.

Don't try and put this you shifting of opinion on things down to Bipolar as to be blunt as a fellow bp survivor and one of many other things I can't stand it when anyone blames anything upon their diagnoses.

Yeah, again, rude. I don't blame anything on my diagnosis. I have stopped and am struggling to control the massively destructive bulimic eating disorder I have. One thing at a time. I can't just wake up one day shiny and new and say, "Look world! I'm here!" Things come together, bit by bit. And wearing my sleeves up just makes me upset and paranoid. It's my choice.

I hate terms like "BP survivor" since we're being rude and overly personal. I'm not a BP survivor I'm a BP sufferer very early on in treatment. This does not make me a victim and I resent the implication that it does.

As for:

Strangers don't bite, well unless you ask politly, and if they have nowt better to do than stare at your scars that says more about them than it does you.


In the past, total strangers have come up to me to tell me off, and people who have been flirting with me have seen my arms and actually apologised. My discomfort is from experience. I don't expect anyone to be staring at me but with my sleeves up I feel self conscious.

by setting up a blog on the net you can choose if only yourself can read it, select people or everyone and anyone that is the thing, so clearly you did want to do something for the cause of bp survivorship or you wouldn't of made your posts so public? I just don't get why you are taking my comments as personal when all I have done is given you feedback based upon 2 things a) the information you have posted and b) my own thoughts upon things.

You say your moods are all over the place,yet I am sure I read in your journal that you don't take the meds rx'd to help you control your moods with any form of consistancey so how the hell can you expect your moods to sort themselves out if the drugs that are thrown your way by well meaning professionals are to be short misused by you. You say you get side effects from them, but any med has side effects, but the sad fact is it takes a lot of experiementation to find a combination of drugs that will help you and for the postives to outnumber the negatives, but the professionals aren't mind readers so you have to tell them and be honest and be hoenst and tell them your abusing the meds they rx you.

No things don't come together over night, if they did then magic wands would be issued in a box of cereal so that it can be waved over ourselves. But we have to want the change for it to happen.

Again by using negative words such as sufferer you are in victim mode when you use positive words to empower yourself such as survivor you will see the changes start to slot into place wiht more ease and cohesion,

no one said it will be easy nor can they do it all for you, you have to work with people instead of putting brick walls in the way,.

you are the one at the end of the day who took the blade to your face, your stomach your arms your legs no one forced it into your hand and said 'you will do this now' so you did have the choice of if you harmed or not. Unless someone did have a gun to your head and told you to but I doubt it some how.

we could all do the 'woe is me' if you want me to list the negatives in my life right now I can so here goes :

well a few of them a can't be arsed with everything :

my gf is sad because most of her belongings are 200 miles from us and we have no money to get them here, so that makes me sad because I care for her and when she is sad I am sad

a very good friend of mine is in a burns unit

iv period pains from hell

a new tv my gf and i bought arrived this morning and was damaged

my past is screwing iwth my head thru flashbakcs

the cmht are wankers

i could go on, but the point I am trying to make is we all have shit going on, but it is how we choose to deal with that shit that counts

if people have said things to you when they have seen your scars then either a) find the balls to assertivly stand up for yourself or b) carry on living in victim mode and expect others to speak for you

but if i do find a magic wand in my cereal I will be sure to send it your way!

I speak for myself. I do it online, I do it with my friends and family and I am honest about everything put to me. I am not a victim just because I feel uncomfortable with my sleeves up. I am uncomfortable with my looks and body in general and it's not so,mething I feel ready to discuss.

I'm not abusing the meds I was given- I took them, went off the for a bit because I thought I was okay, realised I wasn't then took them again. I tell them honestly but like you they say side effects suck, deal with it. They also know that I went off my medications and gave me a stern, "We'll put you in hospital" warning.

I don't want a list of your problems as I'm sure you don't want a list of mine.

I don't think I am particularly woe is me considering what my life has been like. I try my best to find solutions and work hard to keep afloat. I don't lie on my ass and blame everyone else or my illness. I moan but it's cathartically.

You know, I don't know the person above and I came here viaviavia.

I'm not responding to your emetic wall of text.

I'm just going to say you probably shouldn't be on the Internet without spellcheck/grammarcheck and a higher dosage.

it takes more than being on a med for not very long to decide 'oo I'm ok I don't need them' I have been in the middle ground for well since the summer of 2005 when it comes to my moods BUT I know that if I was to stop my meds then it would to be blunt be a stupid thing to do as clearly they must be doing something for me to be 2 years of stability, which I am not prepared to jepordise by stopping my meds, even then if I was to stop them well have the thoiughts of stopping them I would get the advice of my gp and all as they have medical experience whereas I only have survivor experience and hey anyone can use and misuse the internet, afterall you can't believe everything you read online now can you!? but maybe you can!? I dunno.

If they give you a stern warning and it put the fear of shit into you then find a psych team that work with their clients as aposed to bully them into submission, that is unless you get kicks out of being spoken to and threatened by psych workers.

if you are uncomfortable about your looks and body then make a effort to gain the help and therapy to enable yourself to slowly like yourself and in time to love yourself, dig out the magic wand from the cereal box I offered earlier on this evening.

I have a lot of other differences as they aren't problems as I refuse to enable them to have the power to become a problem other than the few I listed above, the point I am trying to make is the whole world has our own issues but it is how we work with those differences and issues that counts,

again I will say this that I believe you deliberatly choose what parts of you are accessable by others online, anyone can vent online but they can also choose who if anyone can be privilidged to help them with their ventings.

All I am trying to do is point out to you how I have 'seen' your issues as you describe them to those of us who read what you say, afterall the internet is rather crap in one way as you can't tell what tone someone means something in,

sigh then again they can't tell what tone you were to of read their reply in either so it is swings and roundabouts

You have though blamed others a fair bit over the last few months, and I know I bit my tongue at the time but I may as well say it now, your posts begging for money for your rent to be paid by others in the cyber world for you are to be blunt both bullying and manipulative, not to mention head fuck games, incredibily devious and sick, you gained money from people and then it some how was able to be by you transfered from paypal to your bank with no wait in days that it would take anyone else, and then everything was solved till the next time you bullied and manipulated others.

As my partner and I both said last night when I read your post outloud (as I tend to read everything I read online outloud as I find it easier to absorb) what sort of job would pay �12 a hour to someone who isn't qualified, espeically in Camden, well unless you were being paid to lay on your back for the money!

You have though blamed others a fair bit over the last few months, and I know I bit my tongue at the time but I may as well say it now, your posts begging for money for your rent to be paid by others in the cyber world for you are to be blunt both bullying and manipulative, not to mention head fuck games, incredibily devious and sick, you gained money from people and then it some how was able to be by you transfered from paypal to your bank with no wait in days that it would take anyone else, and then everything was solved till the next time you bullied and manipulated others.

What the fuck?! Some of my friends asked me to put up posts saying I needed help instead of what I was doing which was quietly planning to leave my flat! The same goes for people reading the blog when I was having a headmelt due to being fired again. Recently have been the only times I ever asked and I asked because I really needed the help. Paypal takes five days, I'm confused as to wha t you're on about there. Quite a few people lent me cash in the flesh, not just online. I kept losing my jobs because I could barely function. I had just moved into my own place for the first time so losing jobs came at a terrible time. Nothing was solved, I just didn't go on about it because I *didn't* want other people to feel obliged to help me!

As my partner and I both said last night when I read your post outloud (as I tend to read everything I read online outloud as I find it easier to absorb) what sort of job would pay �12 a hour to someone who isn't qualified, espeically in Camden, well unless you were being paid to lay on your back for the money!

I am experienced- I have four years admin experience. My problem has not been getting jobs, just holding them down. When I left hospital I started work immediately and I have never given myself a break. Then getting-job-losing-job is amazingly stressful, as well as other things going on.

Seriously- what the fuck. I am not a bully. Nor am I devious or sick. I can't believe you said that.

Also, the amount of money was tiny. I paid my rent both times mostly on my own steam, or with help from Rob, who I have helped financially many times.

again I will say this that I believe you deliberatly choose what parts of you are accessable by others online, anyone can vent online but they can also choose who if anyone can be privilidged to help them with their ventings.

And of course I do. It's my life. I can choose what I want people to know about me. I would like to retain *some* privacy on the internet. You have known you were ill and been treated for an awful lot longer than me. I am still new to everything. And you don't "decide" you're better with bipolar. You just feel like you are, especially when you haven't really come to terms with your illness in the first place.

If you think I am a devious, sick, manipulative bully who lies about getting a job, who reads friends only LJ posts to your boyfriend, the question must be asked, what the hell are you doing on my friendslist?

what sort of job would pay �12 a hour to someone who isn't qualified, espeically in Camden, well unless you were being paid to lay on your back for the money!

What. the actual. FUCK? Are you HIGH? I mean, you've said a hell of a lot of complete shit here, but DUDE, wtf??

You're a wanker.

jesus christ you get some flack on the internet. I mean how *dare* you chronicle your thoughts and feelings on a blog. Despite the rest of the world informing each other everytime they shit, it is a DISGRACE that you should ever mention your mental health problems.

As far as I can see, you keep anything really personal on your LJ, so friends only, and just write about things that could be helpful to other BP sufferers on your BP blog. Fuck what people say, I find it helpful. I don't want to read a 'I'm bipolar and I SURVIVED!!!!' blog. I want to know that someone out there is going through the same things I am, that I'm not alone in it.

Your scars are your own, it's nobody elses business who sees them. It's something you feel uncomfortable about, and just because you have those scars it doesn't mean you have an obligation to parade them round in order raise awareness. I don't feel comfortable showing cleavage, but I can't say I feel like I'm particularly letting anyone down by not promoting the boobs cause.

When I have children and they ask about my scars, I'm just going to initially say I got them when I was very poorly once, and if they ask anything else give them a simplified version of bipolar disorder, even if it's just 'I had a poorly head, and it made me do silly things that hurt me because I couldn't think properly'. Frankly, I don't think a child wants to hear 'well honey, that's where mummy burned a big hole in her arm.'

When they get older I'll tell them about it in more detail, especially as they may inherit the BP (though I hope to God they won't). I just see the it like when I asked my mum where babies came from, and she said from their mummy's tummy. I don't want to lie about it, but at the same time there's only going to be so much a child needs to know until they're old enough to know the details.